I dont know why my perspective has changed this month- believe me, I've been trying to change it since all of this began. It seems like everyone I've talked to since we started our treatment has the same advice: "Just don't stress!" DUH. I've always known that stressing could hinder the process, but its not so easy to stop worrying that I'll never get pregnant when we don't know what the problem is in the first place. I think only someone in this situation would be able to understand my feeling this way. In a way, its like being frustrated for two. Dustin and I are frustrated together as a couple who wants a family, but then I experience the same frustration all over again on my own, as a woman who just wants a baby.
It wasn't until recently however, that the importance of not stressing really sank in, and I've come to terms with where we are in this process. What I've realized is that its okay not to stress. Up until now, I've felt like I should feel guilty if I wasn't stressing about the infertility, as if it wouldn't happen because I didn't "care" enough...silly? I know.
Its funny how you can know something without actually knowing it, if that makes any sense. Its not like anything else that I have experienced in life so far. Generally, the rule is, if you want something, work hard for it, and if you don't get it, you've only got yourself to blame. Not in this case. It doesn't matter how badly I want it, there is physically only so much I can do and in the end, its all up to my body. This isn't an easy thing for a stubborn girl like myself to swallow, as simple as it may seem to an outsider. I am proud of myself though for recognizing this and doing so has lifted such a weight off of my shoulders...I feel like I can see the situation a little more clearly than before. Will we continue the infertility treatment until it finally works? Absolutely...but for now at least, I'm satisfied with where we are while it doesn't.
