Recently, Dustin and I attended our “weekend intensive workshop”, hosted by the agency we have chosen to facilitate our adoption. I took a half day at work the Thursday before as we closed on our house just hours before leaving for the workshop in Houston. I went to pick up the keys from the house, packed our bags, and we were off! We arrived at Angela’s house around nine Thursday night and chatted a bit before getting to bed early so we would be plenty rested for the day ahead. We got to the agency right on time and met the two other couples who we’d be spending the next day and a half with. Both of the couples were very interesting; one couple seemed to be about our age, and was very fun to talk to. Together, they ran marathons, and I mentioned to them how I wish I could put a marathon on my “bucket list” but I refuse to because I can’t imagine that I’ll ever actually be able to complete one. I told them how envious I was of their ability to do so.
After getting to know each other, we jumped right into the material our workshop facilitator had put together. We started with the process that we could expect to experience throughout our wait for a birthmother and child. This wait will certainly be the most frustrating part of the adoption process as we’re so anxious to expand our family. On a more positive note, we received a list of items we’ll need to gather and have approved before we can begin our home study, and we’re very excited to send each item off for approval as its completed (…if you know me well, you know how I feel about checklists!). We’ll also be able to begin writing our “Dear Birthmother” letter and creating our adoption profile.
We also received several books from the agency and are required to read two of them for our home study. Some of them talk about the relationship between a birthmother and the adoptive family, others talk about open adoption from the child’s point of view and some talked about how to address the questions and issues we can expect to face as the parents of a child with questions about their adoption.
While Dustin and I are extremely excited to welcome not only a child into our home, we are just as excited to welcome the birthmother into our family as well and are looking forward to allowing contact and visits to the extent that she is comfortable with. This is something that many have expressed concern about as it seems like a risky and unnecessary addition to the adjustments and chaos that come with having a newborn already. One of the things that were reinforced this weekend is how important this relationship is for not only our family, but for her as well. We feel that if this woman is giving us the gift of parenthood, how could we exclude her from our lives?! Some people tend to think that a child who is raised knowing their adoptive parents and birthparent(s) will grow up to be confused about who their “real” parents are. This, we have learned is a common stereotype, and is never the case in open adoption. Open adoption is not co-parenting any more than including a child’s aunt in his or her life is. Do we have concerns? Of course; what parent doesn’t have concerns?
We know our child will know the overwhelming love that two parents can provide, but also has the right to know the love of his or her birthmother. To keep the potential for such a valuable relationship from our child would be selfish. Our child will know the love not only of his or her two parents, but also that their birthmother loved him enough to give what she could have not provided herself.
Despite the chaos that followed as we began moving into our house the same night we returned home, we had a wonderful weekend. We’re so excited that we’ve learned so much about what to expect throughout our adoption, and also about what we want out of the experience. This experience is what we make of it. It will be a long road; one full of anxiety, excitement, frustration, tears of sorrow, and tears of joy. This is OUR marathon. Let’s run. :)
