It has been a goal of mine to document everything that has occurred over the last few months with the process and progress of mine and Dustin's infertility treatment. Not only do I need an outlet to express my feelings and frustration on the matter, but also think that it is important to keep a record of this as it is such an enormous part of who I am right now, and will continue to shape me into the mother I will someday be. I only wish I would have starting blogging when all of this started...little did I know the journey it would prove to be!
Lets begin with my story. In September of last year, at my yearly exam, I explained to my doctor that Dustin and I would start trying for kids in the next year, but that I was afraid we would have trouble, or that it would take longer than we might hope. She asked me questions about infertility issues in my family and in Dustin's, and I hesitantly explained that there are no traces of infertility in either of our families, and that in fact, most of the children on my side were unplanned. I figured this wouldn't be good for my argument, and I was right. I can't blame her for assuming that with my family history, my young age, and my (somewhat) healthy lifestyle, that I would be the poster child for pregnancy.
A few months later in February, I made another appointment when I realized something was off with my cycle. I wanted to make sure that if anything was wrong, we would be able to get it in check before we started trying. We did some blood work along with a few sonograms, and it was discovered that I was not ovulating as I should be. My doctor explained that the female body is a tricky thing, and sometimes these things happen. "You're healthy...and young", she said. "You have plenty of time for babies...if you try for a year, and nothing happens, come back and see me- We'll figure it out". This did not comfort me. In fact, it frustrated me beyond belief. After that series of appointments, I exploded with anger and cried to Dustin, who just couldn't find the words to comfort me...and who could blame him? "It is not up to HER when a good time for me to have children is" I thought, "It is up to US!" I only let this go on for about another month before I made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. We figured if there was any chance that we were going to have trouble conceiving, we'd better start sooner than we had originally planned.
Everyone at Dr. Hudson's office was nice and seemed to care more than they should have about mine and Dustin's desire to have a child. The first month and a half or so was dedicated to testing. I had one sonogram after another and vial after vial of blood drawn, and still no answers. Next, a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG test was ordered to see if I had any blockages in my fallopian tubes- negative. It was a bittersweet feeling every time we got a negative result on one of the tests. On one hand, it seemed that nothing was wrong. On the other, we weren't making any progress toward my treatment...or so I thought.
I was pleasantly surprised when during a follow up appointment, Dr. Husdon admitted that she still had no idea what was going on with me, but that this would not get in the way of moving forward with treatment... I was ecstatic. She put me on Clomid, a drug that helps stimulate follicle growth and induces ovulation. After five days on the drug, an injectable drug called Ovidrel, and a sonogram to check my progress, I was ready for my first intrauterine insemination, or IUI. Dr. Hudson explained that she did not believe that it would take more than 4 rounds of IUI before I became pregnant. After the procedure, I was required to lay flat on the table for at least ten minutes to rest before leaving the doctors office. Realizing that we could be on our way to parenthood within FOUR months, Dustin and I talked about what it would be like when it finally worked and how excited we were that we made the choice to see a reproductive endocrinologist. For the following two and a half weeks, I took another drug, Prometrium twice daily to produce a healthy uterus lining...and waited...and waited...and waited.
Finally my dreaded two week wait was up, and I was able to take a blood pregnancy test at the doctor's office. I was not surprised that the test was negative-- it was only my first IUI after all. I was surprised however, with how upset I was with the news. After a day or two, I came to terms with it, and decided this meant we were one IUI closer to becoming pregnant. We immediately started preparing for round two. The second month was much easier as we had a vacation to Florida planned for the majority of the two week wait following my IUI. Again, it came back negative, but because I had been so distracted and hadn't invested the same emotion into this round as I had the first, the unfortunate news was not nearly as upsetting to me. Still, I expressed my concern with Dr. Hudson that this would take longer that the four rounds she originally suspected. She comforted me and suggested that we schedule a follow up appointment if round three were to fail, to discuss other treatment options and increase my chances of conceiving. Overall, I was happy with progress we were making.
Month three however, was a different story. After the usual prep work in the weeks and days before an IUI, Dustin and I went in for the procedure on a Saturday morning feeling confident. We knew it would be a good day, because after the procedure, we were headed to the studio to pick out all of our appliances and upgrades for the new house. However, the procedure that had been painless in the past was extremely uncomfortable this time, and even caused me to bleed quite a bit. I had never experienced a pain like this before, but oddly enough was excited about the pain, as it was the only thing that had set this IUI apart from the ones that had previously failed. After several days, the pain finally went away, and I was still feeling confident about the outcome of this round. I don't know what it was, but I just knew this would be the one that worked. Of course, ten days into my 16 day wait, I took a home pregnancy test. Disappointed by the negative result, I went back to bed for a few more hours. While I was brushing my teeth that morning, I picked the test out of the empty trashcan and noticed the faintest little pink line. Excited, I told Dustin the good news, but that I didn't want either of us to get our hopes up. I decided to test again the next morning, since its suggested to ignore results that appear later than ten minutes after the test is taken. That night was like Christmas Eve as a child; I could barely sleep, I was so excited. I woke up the next morning at 4 a.m. and couldn't fall back asleep until I took the test. This time, the faint pink line appeared almost immediately. I was thrilled! I wanted to see the line get darker and darker as the days went by until my blood test at the doctor's office, so we picked up some more pregnancy tests at the store that night. The next morning, I tested again- negative. I was so confused, but Dustin suggested it may be too early and that we should buy a different brand that might be more sensitive. I agreed, and tested again the next morning- negative. The following morning- negative. I was devastated, and so angry with the first two tests that had given the false positive. That Friday at work, I made little eye contact with any of my co-workers, as I just didn't want to talk to anyone. I fought back tears all morning, and eventually decided I would take the rest of the day to myself. The following Monday, the negative result was confirmed when I went in for my blood work. Fortunately, I had cried all the tears I could cry in the days prior, so I made it through the rest of the day with grace.
Again, we decided our only option was to push forward and keep trying. We met with Dr. Hudson like she had promised, to discuss more treatment options. Dustin and I expected her to say that we should continue with the IUIs using the Clomid for a few more rounds before getting any more aggressive to avoid the risk of multiples. To our dismay, she suggested quite the opposite. She told us that she would like us to completely skip the next treatment step of IUIs using an injectable drug and move directly to IVF. We couldn't believe our ears. IVF sounded so serious...and so expensive. After looking at the cost (over $14,000) for one try at IVF, we decided that we simply could not afford this while we're building the house. What a frustrating situation: We were building the house to have more room for children, but we couldn't afford the next shot at having children because we're building the house! Against the advice of Dr. Hudson, we decided to move forward with the IUI/injectables rounds until the house was finished. It only increased our chances of conceiving to around 18%, but increased the risk of multiples to 1 in 5. This is where we stand now. Unfortunately, until the house is finished, this is our only option. We decided at that point, if I still was not pregnant, we would be able to finance the IVF.
Confident that this is the best decision for our current situation, we were excited to start the next more aggressive phase...that is, until we had yet another scare. Our next appointment, a routine sonogram turned into a nightmare when we discovered cysts on my one of my ovaries that although not harmful to me, would prevent us from moving forward with our next cycle. I was devastated. "If its not one thing, its another! This just ISN'T fair!" I screamed to Dustin as I cried on the ride home. Again, there were no words that could have comforted me. Luckily, my heartache was short-lived when my follow up sonogram showed that the cyst had disappeared. Once again, I couldn't contain my excitement... Talk about a roller coaster of emotions.
Right now, I'm taking the injectable medication every night until my follicles are mature enough for the next IUI. Hopefully, this round will be the one that works, but I'm trying very hard to keep my head up if we're not so lucky.
The more I talk with people about this, I hear stories about couples that tried for seven years with no luck, and just when they gave up, they were pregnant. Seven years? Ten years? This just simply is not an option for me. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that patience is not one of my best attributes. It is absolutely mind-boggling that couples can make it through the frustration that infertility brings for more than a few months. I know that when this is all over and we finally do have a child on the way, it will seem like no big deal. A few months or a year of anxiety and frustration is nothing compared to the lifetime of joy that a child will bring. For now however...I'm hangin' in there, and only time will tell!
